


The Tao of Dave

by Merlin Missy (mtgat)



Category: Plants vs Zombies
Genre: Gen, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 09:52:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13051611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtgat/pseuds/Merlin%20Missy
Summary: Crazy Dave is a lot of things: gardener, salesman, inventor, proud uncle, zombie adversary, taco connoisseur, and philosopher.





	The Tao of Dave

**Author's Note:**

  * For [TheMangosity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMangosity/gifts).



Dave's not crazy.

David Blazing is a lot of things: gardener, salesman, inventor, proud uncle, zombie adversary, taco connoisseur, and philosopher. He is also on the bad end of what he feels are unfair stereotypes. First, there's not much he can do about the speech impediment these days, not with the utter collapse of civilization and all. Second, the stewpot is good protection for the old noggin when hungry zombies are on their way to munch on his brain. Third, there are zombies on his lawn and maybe he's got reasons for acting a little weird. He understands why his next door neighbor thinks he's not just off his rocker but halfway across the stadium with the roadies, but he doesn't have to like it.

Things are getting bad next door. He can hear the moans and groans over the fence.

(The neighbors put in that fence three years ago. They said it was a safety issue, said they wanted to keep little kids and animals from falling into the pool. Dave knows they were more concerned with keeping the rest of the neighborhood from going for a midnight skinny dip. Anyway, he'd only done that twice. Three times if you count the time he fell in naked by accident, which he does not think should count even if the fence went up the very next day.)

Dave is dressed now, thank you muchly, and he's trying to find his inner cool by meditating in his Zen Garden. He nurtures his baby plants here, chatting to them and watering them and playing them his favorite tunes. When they're grown, he'll plant them in his yard or being a friendly-like neighbor and selling them next door.

He's got a sweet little Sunflower who's going to be producing sun for him soon. "Hiya there, darlin'," he says, checking the moisture level in her soil. A little drink later, and there's the pleasant sound of coins for his pocket.

Plants, man. Plants are the best.

Sunflower hums to herself. This one's going to be an alto, which will be a nice addition to the other Sunflowers he's got producing in his yard. Once the frickin' zombies are defeated once and for all, he'll have a mighty fine band.

There's a scream from next door. Poor neighbors, all dead now. Dave gives a sigh.

It's weird, though. Dave's lived here for ten years, two of them through a zombie invasion. The neighbors get eaten about every three days, but sure as rain or fog, the next morning, he's got a new neighbor! He's neighborly to all of them, of course, offering the finest selection of his Twiddydinkies as soon as he figures out where his goshdarn car keys got to again. He's always misplacing those things.

"Hey, boss," says a sweet little Peashooter the size of his thumb.

"Hiya, pal. Thirsty?"

"Curious. Where'd the zombies all come from?"

Dave jerks his thumb over his shoulder at the cemetary across the street. You wouldn't think so many Olympic pole vaulters, scuba divers, and world-famous showmen/singer/dancer/songwriter types with their full set of backup dancers would have been buried in some podunk little burial plot, but Dave has seen them crawl out of the ground, sprouting up like daisies.

"Naw," says Peashooter. "I mean, why are they all walking? Dead humans don't do that."

The Sunflower stops her humming, and she looks at Dave with a beaming smile. "Pea's new," she says. "He hasn't heard the story yet."

Dave knows the story, but he loves listening to Sunflower's voice. "You tell it this time."

"Me?" She raises her leaves to her face in shock.

"Sure."

Sunflower gives a dainty cough, like she's about to break into a song. He kind of expects her to sing the story instead of tell it.

"Once there was a deranged mad scientist named Dr. Edgar Zomboss. He was turned into part-zombie by a freak laboratory accident, and swore revenge on his lab assistant who'd dropped the beaker. The lab assistant was killed in the explosion, though, and Dr. Zomboss turned his villainous rage on the rest of the world. He invented a Zombifyer, which brought the dead back to life, and used it on his lab assistant first. Together, they began reanimating the dead all around our safe little suburban town, bent on mid-state domination."

She turns to Dave. "Did I say it right?"

Dave pats her on top of her blossom. "Yep."

Peashooter and the rest of the young plants in the Zen Garden listen in open-mouthed wonder, at least the ones who have mouths like Chomper and the Peas. "How do we stop them?"

Dave says, "That's where you come in. When you're all grown, you can shoot peas at zombies. Torchy there can light 'em on fire. The Nut Brothers keep them away. We're a team."

Sunflower wriggles in her pot, and suddenly, light bursts out of her, and she's just a little flower! Dave plucks the light from the air. Before the zombies came, he could only do this kind of thing after licking those little sheets of paper he used to buy in the parking lots outside rock concerts. Now plants really talk to him, and he can catch sunlight with his hands. It's awesome if you don't mind the dead people and the screams.

Plants didn't used to talk, or shoot fire. Dave is almost positive about this, although after licking enough of those little pieces of paper, he's not always one hundred percent sure about his memories. He remembers right after the zombies started knocking on his door, and stealing his tacos, he found a packet of fertilizer in his garage that he'd never seen before. He shook it over the plants he kept in the back, and sure enough, they spouted eyes, and some of them started shooting projectiles, and all of them had opinions. The Cattails started barking, and he's sure that's not right. Ever since, he's been happy to water and take care of them to keep those zombies off his lawn. He's shared with his neighbors because it's the neighborly thing to do.

"I can't wait to fight zombies," says Peashooter.

"Same here," says Sunflower.

"You'll get your chance," Dave assures them. They'll fight their zombies, and get their chance, and he'll help the new neighbors who move in tomorrow. Maybe one of these days, the neighbor can defeat Ol' Zomboss himself, and they'll be rid of these shamblers once and for all.

Dave plans to celebrate with a midnight swim.


End file.
